wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
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If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something