Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth

Picasso: how

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

doctor: do u smoke?

me: no

doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*

me: [nervously] is…is that bad?

Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed

It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair

Single men not in love with me.

Explain yourselves.

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”

No. No you do not.

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.