Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse

Yes, but it was never about money

Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]

Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]

Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.

Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*

5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.

Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.

My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.

*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.

ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper

Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count