Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”

me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”

W-“no”

Me- “who’s the expert now?”

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

water solves a lot of problems.

want to lose weight? drink more water

having a bad day? take a shower

tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

(it starts to rain)

worms: the revolution has begun.

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

Banking tips

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck