Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…