Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.

😂😭

🤔😂😂

No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work

Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?

me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?

Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world

Smokey the bear: o hell no

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.

doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.

me: i know but it’s so itchy.

[taking girlfriend out]

her dad: have her back at a reasonable time

me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time

her dad: propose

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on