Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
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I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead