Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
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Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH