Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
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Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
😅🤣😂
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.