Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
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Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”