Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
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The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.