Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

this could fix me

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

Otters see a butterfly.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/950795984237314048/pu/vid/638x360/YpwRDuTNG1C6rrT9.mp4

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

*brings nachos to your exorcism*

My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English

Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.