Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
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There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
By Kate Hatos
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I thought this was funny lol
