Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
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I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Matt Goss
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available