Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want

me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)

Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”

God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”

Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes

If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily

Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?

Me: Um…

PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?

Me: My —

PS: Tummy tuck?

Me: (looking down)

PS: Breast augmentation?

Me: What’s wrong with my —

PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?

Me: (bursts into tears)

Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”