Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
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I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight