Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
You Might Also Like
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’