Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

We need more people like this.

“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.

MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!

My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.

Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.

no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour

Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.

When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?

The most avoided species of shark is the Loan

Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?

Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?