#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
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Jokes on them. I took 10.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in