Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.

*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”

Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.

Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.

Me:

friend: want to go swimming?

me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days

i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.

*leans forward*

*leans back*

*leans forward*

*leans back*

Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?

Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

Dance like no one’s going to press charges.

About to go for a run, because shoplifting

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.

Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up