Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes back in time

*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.

IT’S-A ME,

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.

If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.

Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

The Assassin.

“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.

Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office

A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.

If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.

You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.

That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

Mouse

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.