#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
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Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
oh my gosh!!
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Best table by far
