Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
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I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
giddy up Office Depot
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy