ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
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If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I’d have to say it was the day I learned “elemenopee” wasn’t one awesome letter.
Shoutout to my Cold War reenactment group! We’re just a bunch of chill white guys, sitting at a table, acting stressed about the USSR.
Cop burst through every window of my house as I perform the illegal Google search ‘teen age mutant ninja turtles with no Shells on ‘
If my body ran half as much as my mind did, I would never have to skip dessert
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
One of these days you’ll see the real me.
Probably next week. I’m almost out of concealer.
My daughter found a new boyfriend.
I’m just glad the police haven’t found the old one.