Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

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ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms


I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday. Not a great gift I know, but you should’ve seen her face light up when she opened it


If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.


If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I’d have to say it was the day I learned “elemenopee” wasn’t one awesome letter.


Shoutout to my Cold War reenactment group! We’re just a bunch of chill white guys, sitting at a table, acting stressed about the USSR.


Cop burst through every window of my house as I perform the illegal Google search ‘teen age mutant ninja turtles with no Shells on ‘


If my body ran half as much as my mind did, I would never have to skip dessert


Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.


One of these days you’ll see the real me.

Probably next week. I’m almost out of concealer.


My daughter found a new boyfriend.
I’m just glad the police haven’t found the old one.