Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
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Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.