Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time

[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist

The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

Hub: Let’s go see a movie

Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*

H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.

How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’

My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?