Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
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Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
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*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”![]()
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS