Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.

If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.

guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face

me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know

I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…

No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.

new year update: losing everything but weight

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

( 12pm. )

Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?

Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.

( 12am )

Me:

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…

Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris

I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life

They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you