Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
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Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?