Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”

They will drive… super carefully.

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.

“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.

“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

If you love someone, let them tweet.

*putting dead animal heads on the walls*

People will like this!

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them

friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston

me: how are you doing this

friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston

if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.