[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
