[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
