Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
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Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
This makes total sense…
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.