Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
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i installed a ceiling fan in my room
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.