Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

👻

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

When someone says you are so lazy

Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*

kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)

waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?

me: i gotta fight you for them?

And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.

BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”

[First date]

DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.

ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.

DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?

ME: It’s not my arm.