Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”

Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods

*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*

Me: why’s everyone looking at me?

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.

Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.

Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.

M:

H: Please leave Home Depot.

Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.

I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.

My libido: please have sex

My social anxiety: by yourself

Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.

[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.

Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s