Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
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[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid