Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
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gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
That’s not how days work.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.