Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
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Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
channeling her this year
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Going to the gym “naked” means without wearing headphones. I know this now.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
same energy
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.