“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
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My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks