“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
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1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
👾👾👾
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”