Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.

#PlumbersDay

*about to die*

Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!

*life flashes before my eyes*

Me: Oh, right.

If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer