Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
me irl
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
