Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
My favorite female superhero
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
You are not alone 💚
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
