Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
🤣🤣💀
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Owl Sanctuary
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
