Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
