Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
This kid is a star!
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
S/o to @funTweeters .
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
