Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
