Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
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Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs