Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
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me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
584.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.