Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
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The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵