Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

me: [crying] it came outta nowhere

tour guide: a spider?

me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen

guide: [panicking] omg a snake?

me: razor-sharp claws

guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?

me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle

I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.

You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident

Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him

Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅

[donut shop]

me: I’ll take a bear claw

*loud roar from the back*

me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?

Why did the chicken go to the gym?

To work on his pecks.

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

Me: How was school?

11-year-old: It was a normal day.

Me: So it was good?

11: I didn’t say that at all.

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?