Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-

Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.

*Swivels around in swivel chair*

*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*

Evil villian: WEEEEE!

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her:

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵

Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved

35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good

a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.

my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.

Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.