Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
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Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Danger is very dangerous
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”