Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
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Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀
so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.