Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.

ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?

CEO: [under breath] Genius

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

amazon: your order has been placed

me: great thanks

amazon: your order is being prepared

me: cool

amazon: your order is being put in the truck

me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step

amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.

Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”

Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”