[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
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I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
*pokes sex life with a stick
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.