Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

“Holy shit I’m a cat?”

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges

A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.

YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads

operators are standing by to ignore your call

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.

Scammers: Hi!

Me: Not like that.

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd

Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.