Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
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I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*