Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
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My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”