Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

Frankenstein?

Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

[News anchor]

“Are things really that bad?”

#FunnyLife Insects

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.

Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?