Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.

Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)

SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone

Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right

me and the Superbowl rn