Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust

Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants

It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.

*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*

If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

My loaf of bread looks terrified

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.

When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.

‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart