Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*

I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”

And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.

They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.

Me: *gets comfortable*

Life: Just one more thing …

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’

-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.

God: I shall call this a tiger

Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever

“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”

Me: A partner

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day

Me: lights xmas candle

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.