Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

u spoke cat all this time??????

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: The warrant probably

Officer: You have a broken… what

Me: What

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.

My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol

I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.

Do you smoke after sex?

Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”