[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
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Where can I get a Medic Alert bracelet that says “not a hugger?”
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Once you realize there is no going back, a guy with a time machine appears in your life and ruins everything.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”