@IvoryGazelle

[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

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@SuperRandomish

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.

@StashTheTash

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

@freypalm

Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*

@BunAndLeggings

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

@Wine_Honey1

*gets sent nude selfie with messy bedroom in the background

Sorry to ruin the mood, but is that a half-eaten corn dog on your floor?

@bitterADDitude

Hair in bun=housework
Hair in ponytail=oral sex
Body language is important-So he doesn’t get excited when I’m about to 2 scrub the toilet

@3sunzzz

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

@kobychill

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower