Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

🤣dope

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:

NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY

NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”

Me, “*You’re.”

May have lost a new client but they learned something today.

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”