Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*

“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”

My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?

Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

😆

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?