Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary

People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.

[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life