Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.

They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.

“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner

The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*

I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.

Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER

Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

[Funeral]

Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!

I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.