Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
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Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides
That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Do you need to go peepee?
Are you sure?
How bout you try?
*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Mechanic : your motor is losing power and it won’t last long.
Me : you been talking to my wife bro?
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??