Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

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Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises


Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.


Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that


Me: you have nice eyeball hair


*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong


Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.


i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities


Do you need to go peepee?
Are you sure?
How bout you try?
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*



Mechanic : your motor is losing power and it won’t last long.
Me : you been talking to my wife bro?


I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??