@RobWeb79

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

You Might Also Like

@AmericanGent69

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

@rolldiggity

Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.

@Vhalechark

Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that

[later]

Me: you have nice eyeball hair

@VeganZebra

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

@alovablenerd

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

@dog_feelings

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

@Marlebean

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

@rumsnipe

Mechanic : your motor is losing power and it won’t last long.
Me : you been talking to my wife bro?

@veronicakallday

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??