work smarter, not harder
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The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school