work smarter, not harder
You Might Also Like
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
#milo
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.