work smarter, not harder
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Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Breaking news:
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.