work smarter, not harder
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I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.