work smarter, not harder
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College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.